Advice On Girls, Yes Another One

So, I was having a conversation with a female friend of mine last night about... well I honestly don't remember how it came up. Anyway, I have a habit of talking to girls once, or in class or just in any general setting and then if the next time, they don't give any indication of saying anything back I give up and move on.

For a more literal example I will go with an online situation. On a dating site like okcupid, I always give a well thought out message that leaves room for a response. Usually they respond a few times, each time the message gets longer and by about the 3rd message between us it tends to be really long. After that point, averaging 3 messages, no matter how well they go, or any indication that they dislike me (one girl literally said "have you ever met someone and after something they said, just wanted to blurt out 'marry me?'" (yes, it was odd)) they just don't respond, ever. Anyway, I always go "meh" and don't worry about it, never making an attempt to speak to them again.

Now, this situation comes along a lot. I am honestly not particularly attractive and make a point to let everyone know I am a nerd since it's literally everything I do in someway (I know that's the last thing you wanna say to a girl, but it felt relevant to the whole question). Every single time, I make a point of never making a point to greet people or go out of my way to speak to them, unless they do themselves because I believe that not taking the hint and talking to them again is the best way to make them think I am creepy. I don't talk a lot in public, but I think some people find it strange how much I talk with just them, so I am always worried people will think I'm creepy. In the end, all that really matters is the basic question based on the dating site example for ease of wording but it goes for everything, not just that specifically:

If the girl doesn't message you back, is it okay to message them again? Or is it considered creepy?


My friend is convinced it's okay to message them back, but she is a female and cute at that, I am pretty sure she has no idea what rejection is (I've known her a very long time so I know she doesn't)

I am convinced that the best way to make them decide I'm a worse creeper than the guy who runs around to every girls page and says "lets ***", since that guy isn't paying them any special interest, where if a guy who actually took the time to give a ***, gives a ***, he may be really into them and clearly I can't take a hint.

I keep over explaining things, is it a hint to stop talking to them if they don't respond? It honestly seems pretty obvious that it is a strong hint, but my friend is convinced other wise.

Anyway, I'll restate the main question in the tl;dr:


tl;dr:

If a girl doesn't message you back on something like an online dating site, after several correspondences, does that mean you should give up and move on?

Oh man, I put this in the ffIV general area, not the general general area -.-

[Thread moved to Chatterbox]

Thanks! :D

Firstly I'll say you can't define creepy. Two guys do the exact thing (more or less) to the same girl. One is creepy and one isn't. This has nothing to do with looks, it has to do with presentation and how awkward/charismatic you are.

As for OKCupid messages. Girls get TONs of messages daily/weekly to flood their inbox. Chances are they can't find yours in a sea of messages. If they don't want to message you, they can just ignore it.

If they're interested, they'll probably make an effort to stay in contact.

I can't speak in terms of dating sites, but the closest I could compare to is FB. And you never, ever, message a girl twice. It is the epitome of creepy. If she has an interest in you, she'll make sure any message sent to her by you is read, and responded to.

Usually true. On a dating site you're going to have more than one candidate so keeping up with all of them is a chore. If we're talking about something that's not a dating site, this is more true.

once the conversation goes dead with lil to no progress, it would be ok to move on, but nothing wrong with poking and keeping the conversation alive.

LOL this does remind me of that Favreau movie "Swingers". :p You should see it sometime if you haven't. :p

But, I would think if there was interest they would actively pursue the conversation/dialogue...if not, that's just how it goes. Much like casual PM chatting here on FFXIAH (just among friends) I think...sometimes the back-and-forth goes on quite extensively, and sometimes the other person (for whatever reason) just ends the PM-string. :p

I don't think it's creepy to send out one more tentative /poke PM, but if there is no reply you probably should just leave it at that and find something else. :)

I can't speak for all women, but just for myself. If a guy messaged me and I didn't message him back in a day or two, I might be busy or just thinking about what I want to say. Keep in mind that this is a hectic time of year for most people. College students are having the Final Exams soon (or now) and many people are trying to find Christmas presents or making plans for the holidays. But if it's been several days or a week, I would likely be trying to think of how to gently disentangle myself from that guy, or perhaps I would have decided that he wasn't right for me and just decided to ignore him altogether (which is the more bitchy way to go about it, but what else are you going to expect from a dating site?) I don't mean to seem harsh in that. :-(

But since this is specifically a dating site you are talking about, and since you say 'several correspondences,' I'd say give up and move on. (Unless you are sending her 'several correspondences' in one or two days, in which case, yes that's creepy.) But if you are not sending her more than one message a day and it's been several days since she's responded, I'd say move on.

giggity

Depends case by case I guess.

But if we have to take Schutz example
In my case if I didn't answer you back it would be cause I'm just bad at keeping the conversation going and don't know what to add as an answer.

It could be a chance, but as I said, case by case. However if at the second attempt you see no sign of life...if you don't care enough, move on.

I may not know what I'm talking about, being a guy, but from what I've seen, women want a guy to show some persistence. The problem is finding the right balance.

If a guy gives up too easily, it can be interpreted as a lack of interest.

If a guy is too persistent, it is usually interpreted as creepy.

Basically, you are giving up a little too early. When they don't message you back the first time, wait a few days (3-5 days, maybe a week at most) and then message them again. If they still don't respond, you can move on, or try once more in another week. Don't push it past that point though.

Without actually knowing the content of your messages (and no, I'm not interested in seeing them), all I can suggest in terms of content is, again, it's be a matter of balance.

If your messages themselves don't suggest any real interest, they will move on.

If your messages show too much interest, they will become very uncomfortable and will move on.

Essentially for that, it's going to be trial and error.



tl;dr:

Wait 3-5 days, or up to a week, and message back once (twice at most). Do not refer to the message that wasn't responded to. Make sure to show some interest, but don't push it too far.

Well since its easiest to explain the dating site issue, I'll stick with that one.

Usually it goes something along the lines of:

see a girls profile who's near enough and at least a few things honestly in common (wait! What if single gamer/art girls just tend to be meaner? I do kind of have a general type).

message them relating or asking about things based primarily on there profile and throw in a few things that seem related that could be considered interesting.

they message me back and answer things, usually elaborating on it somewhat and throwing a few questions in also.

I message them back again, elaborate more.

They message me back, same deal

Then to the point it almost seems a pattern and not a random coincidence, they stop responding after the 3rd back and forth.

It honestly tends to get obnoxiously long, but I mean a long letter is like 5 minutes of face to face convo.

Also, I'm watching that movie (swingers) when I manage to get around working on my website for class.

Aineko,

There were blank bars where words needed to be! lol

Idk, never online dated personally but if it is similar to facebook, i get girls sending me messages and stuff and nagging for a response so if that's anything to go by then you'd think they'd respond if they were interested.

I'm not female so not really the answer you're looking for but when people call/text/skype/fb me they don't get a reply for DAYS; not because i don't like them, because i'm genuinely too lazy to check what it says.

Dunno if women are the same but if their inboxes are filled with sheet, likely.

Lol I tried that ***once. Lol only messages I ever got was from some 40 year old lady about school since we had the same major and went to the same school, diff campuses, just asking me about which classes were tough and if she went to a diff campus, which teachers to take.

Not sure where those "blank bars" are...


Wasn't anything missing in there.

Between these two mini lists, I had two short paragraphs.. One was a suggestion that I basically repeated in my conclusion, and the other bridged to the next mini list.


Again, didn't really elaborate. This one in particular is the toughest one, because you want to show some interest without being crude. You do not want to use words like "sex" or "marriage" of course, but I think you know that already. I suspect your problem might be in the other direction.

Maybe suggest that your correspondences are getting too long, and it would be easier to use Skype, Teamspeak, or Ventrillo. Phone would work as well, but by suggesting a purely online form, you give them the option of remaining anonymous while still progressing to closer contact. I think this route might appeal to you more than simply trading phone numbers, and many people already have a Skype account.

edit: have an exam to go to. Might not be back on when I get home. Best of luck to you.

The missing bars were joking about between those comments, there was a space, which would have the middle ground between the two comments. Basically you said two things way off on the side, and I wish there was a middle ground you could explain, which by the format laid out, would have been the blank space between the comments.

Oh and um, fyi:

Looks only help on first impressions and as yours as over the internet, doesn't matter what you look like.

I seen women leave clubs w/ fugly guys and i lost out for one simple reason: I'm an uptight ***.

'Tis all about the personality; over the internet moreso.

I don't know you, but it sounds a little like you're trying too hard. I have scored with a few broads out of my league, and I think the most important thing is to find someone you are compatible with as friends first and foremost. The above quote makes it seem like you're immediately going from point A to Z, which is possible, but not probable for us nerds.

Hell, one time I told a girl I was gay for four months because she looked like Natalie Portman, and I knew we wouldn't get close because she was then living with her boyfriend of three years. Well, eventually they broke up, and by then we were super close, "oh btw im not really gay", boom. Moral of the story: Time is your friend!

Found your problem. People on the internet don't have the attention span to read a novel/respond to a novel. Only hardcore Roleplayers on forums will do this, and even then it'll often take them a few days to write a post that matches the length of the above message (since that's only polite).

Keep your messages short and sweet, or ask if you could use a message client (skype/aim/etc) to talk to them. Your huge messages are probably intimidating.

So here's the thing.

I'm female, right. I've used OKCupid. I was on that site for about a month. Now I know there is a small percentage of females actually looking for something on there. Theres a lot just looking for attention and the kind of guy that is like HOLY ***SEXY AND MAKES MONEY OMG. Every girl on there gets tons of messages and if you last long enough, you get the same copy and pasted message from 3 guys. (That happened to me with 3 guys, same message 3-5 times in a month.)

This means theres a lot to weed through.
Of the conversations or messages I did reply to I can tell you this. Most of the time I forgot about the messages after a few replies because I just didnt log in, and what would change that is if someone had actually asked for like an instant messenger name or hell, even my phone number to text.... I probably would have continued the conversation. But that didnt happen and then I deleted the profile anyway.

SO! In conclusion. If you think you haven't creeped her out just yet, and its been about 4days or so.. message her and if you're feeling daring, either ask her out to coffee (because its public and not creepy) or for her number or something. If she rejects it, oh well you tried. If she doesn't respond, move on. If she accepts... Hell yeah.

Either way, if you had a real "conversation" with her and she replied in the first place... Congrats. You weren't one of the many creeps she got messages from that day.

Something I would reply to(almost immediately), notice the paragraph separation:


Something I would put off replying to, or not reply to altogether(anything longer than that is '*** this ***' category):


You have to realize that these girls are getting a TON of messages, from guys who are at least similar caliber as yourself. They're going to reply to the one that makes it easiest on them because let's face it--they're probably not "actively" looking for a guy.

So... did you hit it?

I miss when linkshells had vent. :[