Planning On Quitting... Again.

I've been playing (and I use that term in the loosest form now) since FFXI's PS2 release. In my time I met many awesome people, many jerks, made many friends, and lost many more. In the past year or so, my activity in Vana'diel has dwindled to little more than just paying for the subscription. I ponder and wager with myself whether I should pick up my character from his Moogle grave and start playing once more.

I don't feel as I felt in the beginning. I miss the exploring, the feeling of starting up once again. Many years ago there was no hurrying to get out of Valkurm except to explorer new areas, and now people can't wait to get out of any area they're in. I miss "the good, old days" and I fear that's one of the main reasons I've lost my interest in the game. There are no more (and I can't honestly find a better word for this) "virgins" to the game.

It is filled now with elitists who point and /laugh whenever someone with a single piece of bad equipment joins a non-endgame, normal leveling party. And that's where I'm at. I'm not elite. I don't have elitist equipment and I probably never will. For the most part, many people are elitist and in a way, I fear I may become one if I ever do get nice, sparkly equipment. I keep thinking to myself, over and over and over again, sometimes to the point that I keep myself up at night, that I never obtained Charlamagne's sword, the Joyeuse. I had dozens of people say they would help me, but when it came down to it, I just never received any help, mainly because they were busy with their own things. And in a way, I felt bad even asking because I knew they were busy. I don't want to be a burden on others, a bother, a thorn at another's side. I want to enjoy playing, and I want those who play with me to enjoy doing so as well.

My updates run every time there are updates, and my controller is still firmly attached to my PC. I still have all my macros, and even to this day, I still refer to my online personas as Dramanue. My facebook profile states that "I am the red mage", and I still strive to own everything Squaresoft. But what's the point? I still don't have the Joyeuse. I'm an utter failure, and may never be as good as the other rdm's that crawl around, laughing at others. When I was invited to LS's, I did get compliments, I was told that I was a good rdm, but who am I to believe them? Am I just too brutally honest with myself? Or am I just another jerk who works in reverse, at an auto-hypocritical level?

I don't know. I really don't know any more. Should I stick around and level those final 24 levels to 99? Perhaps by then someone might see me fit to receive the sword of Charlamagne... Who knows what destiny has befitted for this red mage...