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The Old Man and the Sea is the story of a fight between an
elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big
fish. Like... HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering
eighty-four days without catching a fish because he's the
unluckiest son-of-a-*** on planet earth. Honestly, if you
were in a boat for eighty-four days, it'd be hard to NOT catch
a fish... even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his
apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish
with him. But as The Fresh Prince used to say, 'Parents Just
Don't Understand'. So the boy visits Santiago's shack anyway.
Ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an
elderly man who talks to himself, Manolin helps out, moving
Santiago's fishing gear, making food and talking about
baseball. Especially Joe DiMaggio; who used to bump fuzzies
with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that
he's going way out into the Gulf Stream. WAY OUT north of
Cuba. Lady luck is returning! On the eighty-fifth day of his
crappy luck, Santiago drops his lines, and by noon, gets a bite
from what feels like a big-*** fish. He's sure it's a winner. He
fights and fights and fights but can't pull the monster in.
Santiago's leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and
nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he's bloody
and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty
adversary. He starts calling him "brother" or maybe even,
"bro." It's sort of a love story if you really think about it. And
like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful
outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable
interspecies wedding. But on the third day, Santiago is
freakin' EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do
what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he
stabs it. With a *** harpoon. It's a mess. Super gross.
Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago
has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words ·
instead giving in to base desires · and imposing his
gigantically terrible positions on any given subject through
unblinking violence. Typical. Anyways, he straps the marlin to
the side of his skiff and hits the road home, ready to act like
a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the
price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the
bleeding marlin's carcass, because as we all know, life is a
tragic opera and just when you think you've finally found
something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to
*** shreds while dry-humping your dignity with their
crazy-weird shark ***. Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of
them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old
as he is. By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the
entire marlin. Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently
mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he's
still unlucky, REALLY unlucky. (Duh!) He calls the sharks,
"dram killers". Which isn't really all that fair. I mean, the
sharks were just doing their job and the marlin... Jesus, don't
even get me started on the marlin! It was just hanging out one
day, minding it's own business, maybe thinking about ways it
could be a better provider for it's family and WHAM! Harpoon
in the brain. Who's the "dream killer" now, ***? The
hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point. Eventually
Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and
the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and
crashes, like I said · he's super tired. The next morning, a
group of fishermen gather around Santiago's boat. One
measures the skeleton and, holy ***-shingles! It's over 18
feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (strange that this
is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask
Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man. Manolin
brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and
they decide to fish together again. Many years later, there's a
Red Lobster Restaurant in nearly every city in America,
offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.
