Funniest Quotes Ever!

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
- Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.

"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President

"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

~Yote

Had really funny one back in highschool in physics class
Teacher: Blah blah cant really completely accurately measure stuff on surface of the sun cause its so hot everything burns up
Dumb student: What if we went at nighttime?

Or one time early in the morning after being forced up all night at the end of bootcamp
Random recruit: Weird why is it getting brighter and stuff?
Me with a decent retard impression voice: Duh cause god turned the sun on yay
RDCs: Nissen... /laugh

LOL nice XD

~Yote

acquaintance of mine worked in a plastic production factory producing various colors. They were taking opinions on which was the worker's favorite colors, and Darrel liked the clear plastic because it was easy to clean up. his response to the people asking opinions:

"Hi. My name is Darrel and my favorite color is clear."

Discussion on easter in high school.

Me: "So how the hell did the Easter Bunny come from Jesus being resurrected? Was it like '***! Jesus is coming! Hide the eggs!'?"
Teacher: "Well Sly, it was more about them needing a holiday for those NOT believing in Jesus being raised from the dead, because it was made a national holiday."

Stupid Kid: "Well *** it. Rabbits have sex and lay eggs like crazy anyway. What's missing a few eggs."

Rabbits lay eggs. Serious business.

That sounds like one of my friends..

"I've always wanted to go to Hawaii... I don't even have passport to go to another country tho."

"I've ben playing for 7yrs. I started in 2004" retard in wg

To go alone with facepalm moments.

"Well, that worked about as well as a blond joke at the Miss America Padget."

At old job in a funnel cake shop at Six Flags America:

Lady: "I don't want that one, he [me] touched it."
Me: "I didn't put that on the plate ma'am..."
Lady: "I saw you take it out of the water!"
Me: "Ma'am this is 400+ degree oil..."

Because we totally make hot, fresh funnel cakes out of your average tap water.

I hear ppl saying they have been playing 6-7 yrs all the time. Seeing how they all started sometime after NA release or usually after PS2 release it just never adds up..

i thought it was pretty funny i zoned into wg and heard that in shout so i put it in my bazaar comment

That cracks me up. I've done customer service and know how fulfilling it is to politely tell someone they are a *** idiot.

Back in HS, sitting around at lunch trying to identify the smell coming from the teacher's lounge:
(I've said before, I'm not too bright.)

Friend 1: I smell...chicken?
Friend 2: Nah, I smell popcorn.
Me: I smell blood!

Edit: Das, I'm stalking you.

Ya, selling computers, people'd come in, ask stupid questions, and then say we were lying about everything we told them. So then we really just started lying and making ***up about everything. Why fight it? They prolly weren't gonna buy anything anyways lol

and so I did o.o
Funny how she had no clue what she was saying.

The undisputed heavy weight champ of HELP I AM TRAPPED IN 2006 PLEASE SEND A TIME MACHINE quotes, in, arguably, his finest moment:



Edit: AND HOLY ***, another gem:

Rofl Bush...

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bush is the winrar

wouldnt say thats stupid... weird creepy... but well your a stalker so what else is new. I left you some cookies (not spiked). Man kinda wish you really were stalking me thatd be so cool never had a stalker before. Well not that I knew of anyways

I was in Mcdonalds once and experienced one of those moments where you just wanna laugh so bad your nose starts itching. Conversation between a customer and the Mcdonalds employee went a little like this:

customer: I'll have 2 cheeseburgers a medium fries and a coke please, but can you not put cheese on the cheeseburgers.

employee: soo... 2 hamburgers a medium fries and a coke then.

customer: *silence for about 10 seconds* why dont you just scrape the cheese off after? *another 10 seconds of silence* oh actually yeah I'll have the hamburgers then.

THIS HAPPENED! THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED! I was stood behind him on the verge of bursting out laughing, he said "why dont you just scrape the cheese off after?" with such superiority in his voice and the employees face just said a 1000 words lol

That reminds me of when one of my co-workers came into worked hammered. He was like you guys need to make an emergency food run to mcdonalds... I need bacon egg cheese mcmuffin without the bacon or the egg...I need saugase biscuit without the cheese... need some mcmuffins!!!

It's actually the end of a pretty long joke, but I consider it funny as hell. Simply put, "Don't *** up the landing!"

Are they chocolate chip? I'll lurk under your kitchen sink ^^

Sweets nice and dark... I think I might join you... hmm I only got the M&M kind

...That sounded really dirty.

that pic is scawwy o.o /hides

Why does everybody say that?!

its shady lookin and you haz that bloodthirsty look ._.

*/Vampires*

So I work in a Wing joint and have so many funny stories about HELP I AM TRAPPED IN 2006 PLEASE SEND A TIME MACHINE customers that I've forgotten most of them.

#1
Customer: Do you sell any potatoes?
Me: We have fries.
Customer: No, not fries. Potatoes.
Me: I do believe that fries are potatoes.
Customer: Christ you fast food people can be dense. *Hangs up*

#2
Customer: I have an allergy to some wheat products so can I eat your wings?
Me: Well the only problem would be that we coat our wings in flour.
Customer: Are you stupid? Flour is a wheat product!
Me: Which is why it would be a problem.........
Customer: *Hangs up*

#3 Customer has placed a rather large delivery order and when asked for his address responds with:
Customer: Just deliver it to Greg's garage. *Hangs up*